Yesterday, I awoke to read the following headline from the Fox BUSINESS website: “Gwyneth Paltrow’s ‘vagina’ candle explodes in UK woman’s home“. And that was when I knew for sure that the pandemic would never end as this virus continues to mutate and has now mutated into the most dangerous form yet — CAUCID-21. And, as we all know, there is no vaccine or cure for the most dangerous pathogen on earth — caucus variola major; or as it is commonly known, “caucasity.”
And believe it or not, the caucasity here is not that the child slave laborer who manufactured Paltrow’s vulvacious candles must have gotten a cramp in her tiny light fingers, causing the candle to emit too much flame (and not enough hoo-ha smoke) into this British flat. Nor is the caucasity that some white woman has so much money that she was willing to spend $75 (plus shipping and fondling) to get a whiff of the “Palsy.” Nope. The caucasity rests in the fact that this is a story that could only happen to a white person; specifically, a white woman. And, yes, I will explain.
For one, no one else would ever admit to burning pusscense in their home; at least, not on purpose. In fact, when the rest of us smell even just hint of pusspouri in the air, we immediately go in search of Glade, Febreze or even a flamethrower in an attempt to mask the smell. And that is the case even when that fragrance was the result of passionate love-making between people who actually live in the home.
So can you imagine how my black wife would respond to returning home from the store to find me basking in the aroma of a white woman’s “musk”? Well, I can imagine it. And, trust me, it isn’t a conversation that any black man in captivity wants to have:
Her: “Baby, I’m hom… Wait a minute! What is that the smell?”
Him: “Oh, that’s Gwyneth Paltrow’s vagina. You like it?”
Her: “Ummm …. yeah. I love it. Tell her to come out of our bedroom so I can thank her personally here in the kitchen. You know, where we keep all of the knives.”
Him: “Oh sweetie! You’re so silly. She didn’t come over here. I’m just burning her vagina-scented candle for ambiance.”
Her: “Oh, you now need ambiance to jerk off? Because that’s all you’re going to doing in this funky ass house.”
Him: “But, baby, don’t be like that! I was hoping to set the mood for later.”
Her: “Oh, you mean, the mood I was in the time you came home at 5 am because your business dinner ‘ran late’? Come to think of it, your breath smelled a little like … I knew your ass wasn’t discussing fiber optic solutions with a vendor! You were fucking Phoebe from Friends, weren’t you?”
Him: “Baby, you’re being ridiculous. For one, Phoebe was played by Lisa Kudrow.”
Her: “Oh, so now, you’re a white bitch connoisseur, huh? A regular somewhitepusselier? ‘This is a Scandinavian twat with just a hint of Italian blend from the Tuscany region.’ Well, what you gon’ get a hint of is my foot in your ass if I ever come home to find my house smelling like so much as a white woman’s elbow. Now, put that shit out before I burn down this whole damn house with your trifling ass in it!”
And even if I didn’t have a black wife to contend with, there is no way in hell that I would admit that I damn near set the whole neighborhood on fire because I just had to get a whiff of Gwyneth’s cooch. How is that any less creepy than buying a woman’s used panties through OnlyFans for $29.95 ($9 for rush delivery)? Hypothetically speaking, of course.
In all seriousness, as a self-respecting black man, I would have had an entirely different story to tell the fire department when they arrived to put out my coital-scented inferno. “Oh, how did the fire start? Well, I was … I was … freebasing. Yep, I was lighting my cocaine on fire and it was just one of those Richard Pryor things. The next thing I knew … whoosh … the whole place was on fire. Yep, that is what happened. And I know that you have to take me to jail now. That’s fine. Just so long as no one thinks that I’m the kind of person who would spend $75 to smell Gwyneth Paltrow’s goopussy.”
Yet, this is almost exactly what some white woman in England said … out loud … expecting sympathy and compassion … and receiving it. And this is why we will never return to normal human interactions. Because long after the coronavirus has been brought under control, white folks will be sheltering in place, unable to leave their pussy-scented enclaves and black folks will be unwilling to go anywhere near their nasty asses.